ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I looked at my own cervix.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
