thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
