the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
