I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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