i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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