I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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