Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
