He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My ATM looks so different sober.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
