I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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