I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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