you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
