in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
