Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
