Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
