Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
