he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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