Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
