I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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