thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
