It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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