My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
