so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
