i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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