I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
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And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
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The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.