His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
i think my cat just said my name.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?