I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
