atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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