I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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