I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
