i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
