apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
