I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
