no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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