i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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