You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
