An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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