My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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