I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
