Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i will never coherently bang her
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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