Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
