I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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