Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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