theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
