I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
