i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
