How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
