my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
