My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
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