I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
YAS. BRING CRAB.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
