My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
