4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
