the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
